July 27, 2023

In a perfect world, when you decide to end your marriage, you and your spouse will calmly and rationally make the necessary divisions and arrangements, wish each other well, and move forward with your lives. In reality, things are rarely that easy. However, when conflict spirals from minor to major, you may feel as though you are losing control of the process. If you are anticipating a high-conflict divorce, or if you are in the middle of experiencing one, your divorce lawyer can offer you strategies on how to effectively deal with everything being thrown at you.

What is a High-Conflict Divorce?

No divorce is completely without conflict. There will always be some discord when a marriage ends. What makes a high-conflict divorce different is that the disputes over things like dividing assets, determining custody, child support, or spousal support, or any other aspects of the separation intensify to the point where they disrupt everyday life and no amount of mediation or refereeing will work. One or both spouses will engage in negative behavior to intentionally derail the divorce process or inflict pain on one another. This can include bullying phone calls, texts, or emails, refusal to disclose or share financial accounts, demonization of one partner, or weaponizing the process with threats of custody battles or financial ruin.

Can You Anticipate a High-Conflict Divorce?

In some cases, one spouse will have certain personality traits that make them prone to a high-conflict divorce. If one spouse has difficulties adapting to change, accepting responsibility, or extreme behavior, you can anticipate a high-conflict divorce. Other red flags include a spouse with a history of rigid thinking, narcissistic tendencies, blaming others for problems or playing the victim, or unmanaged emotions. These individuals have usually shown these traits early on by escalating small disagreements into major battles in multiple areas of their life – work, family, and friends – and you can anticipate that your divorce will be difficult and you should take steps to protect yourself as soon as you decide to end the marriage. However, in some cases, someone who has not shown a high-conflict personality will respond this way in a divorce situation, and in these cases, knowing what to expect and how to respond can be difficult.

Dos and Don’ts for a High-Conflict Divorce

When you are immersed in a high-conflict divorce, it can be difficult to know when you are making the right decisions. However, there are a few dos and don’ts that may help you through the process.

DO:

• Keep communication as neutral as possible. A high-conflict spouse is often hoping for a reactive response. When you communicate, stay brief, informative, friendly, and firm. By giving only the necessary information and staying steadfastly in the neutral zone, you can avoid a contentious dialogue.

• Problem solve rather than blame. When a high-conflict person starts to play the victim or begin an attack, shift to proposing a solution, focusing only on the basics of who will do what, when, and where. Sometimes asking questions such as, “what do you suggest” can diffuse an argument.

• Limit contact as much as possible. If you don’t share custody, you may never need to speak again. If you share custody, this won’t be possible, but you can still limit your contact only to the necessary.

DON’T:

• Respond to every text, email, or call, especially right away. High-conflict spouses will often send messages with the intent of provoking an emotional response. Write down what you want to say and sit on it for a day before responding rationally.

• Disparage your spouse to your children. Even if they are attempting to do it to you, don’t take the bait. High-conflict divorce can be extremely risky for your children’s mental health, and will only make the situation worse.

• Tell everyone the gory details or broadcast your spouse’s behavior on social media. Resist the urge to tell everyone in your life what you are dealing with. While you do need a few close friends for emotional support, you will often just cause the opposing spouse to intensify their behavior.

Find a Good Toledo Divorce Lawyer to Help with Your High-Conflict Divorce

You can’t handle a high-conflict divorce on your own, or often even with the help of a mediator. In a high-conflict divorce, the high-conflict spouse does not care that they are drawing out the process, inflating the costs, or inflicting emotional pain. In many cases, that is the goal of the high-conflict spouse – to make the process as difficult, expensive, and painful as possible as punishment for ending the marriage. When you hire a Toledo divorce lawyer, you will be allying yourself with an experienced attorney who is not emotionally invested in the games your spouse wants to play. They can act as your spokesperson to limit contact, fight for a fair settlement, and keep you focused on your goals.

A high-conflict divorce is usually a high stress divorce, but keep your eye on the finish line. With a trusted Toledo divorce attorney, you can get through even the most high-conflict divorce and begin your new life with your integrity intact. To learn more about how I can help you through the divorce process, contact my office today.